12:36 PM Wednesday, November 1
older but not wiser

sometimes i feel like the older i get the dumber i'm expected to be, or expected to pretend to be, otherwise i don't fit in and i'm a smart ass. in secondary school, band gave me some huge musical challenges in terms of technicality. the standards were so high and i loved being challenged like that. musicality too but that's always been a problem for me even now so i'm still working at it. but i feel like throughout the years, i'm not as technically challenged. maybe because i have improved so i'm meant to find bigger challenges, but at the same time, maybe because i graduated from a prestigious band, nothing else is gonna compare to that. i haven't been in another group of musicians where everybody is musically trained such that i'm one of the worst sight readers. this also sounds really cocky, but the message i'm trying to get at is that...... what am i trying to get at? 

i saw a post on facebook about weird time signatures and this was the song that came to mind.

it's not just musically, but we're expected to be such proper little people at a young age with great manners and everything and when you actually get a glimpse of the world outside (or when i began to work part-time jobs) you realize that manners aren't a huge thing. people are rude and not expected to be smart but as long as they have the required people skills, they get to where they are and you have to respect them even though they're not always respectable. they can mistreat you but you have to obey anyway because how else are you going to get the money? money in my case cause that's the main reason for my part-time jobs. 

at least that's with part-time jobs that aren't going to lead me to a career. i'm (currently) sure career opportunities will be different and that everyone didn't have to go to school for over a decade to learn 0 relevant life skills. 

do i make sense?


1:53 AM Friday, October 27
Updated Progress

Current 2017 resolutions

1. Conversational Hindi --> Have not touched it
2. Collaborate with musicians in Melbourne --> Sara, for one, and maybe Ryan K after uni
3. Improve backbends --> Can do a chinstand but that's more of arms and core ye?
4. Improve arm strength (continue 22 push-ups a day) --> 40 a day as of October
5. Duolingo French daily --> Lost my 102 day streak and it went downhill from there, but I don't think I need duolingo to improve anymore.... I need to converse
6. 45 minute set list --> I have an hour's worth!
7. Travel to the rest of Australia (Brisbane/Canberra?/Adelaide?) --> Brisbane and Canberra done, Adelaide in 2 weeks so I DID/ WOULD HAVE DONE IT

So i've actually done the important ones!! I am proud of myself.

In the time before I go back to Singapore, here's the list of skills or things I wanna do and achieve:

1. Conversational French (go for language exchanges)
2. Professionally recorded covers and remaining originals
3. Improve backbends
4. Achieve splits
5. Improve inversion hang time
6. Improve arm strength for pull-up
7. Write more songs
8. Learn illustrator and in design

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1:37 AM
shameless advertising

my facebook page:
for anyone who still reads this blog and is interested to know how i'm doing with music and my life cause i am doing music with my life - and life with my music


1:34 AM
life goes on


when i leave melbourne next year and go home to singapore, it'll probably feel, to others, like there goes another international student i got acquainted with, had a few small conversations, what's her name again?  she didn't even go to melbourne uni. oh wait i may be getting ahead of myself, they may not even remember or know that. 

just like when i went back to singapore last december, my social groups were still there. but they were going on fine without me. of course, the world doesn't revolve around me, but sometimes when i need attention, it feels like i didn't even need to be there in the first place. 

when i left singapore to live in melbourne for the first time, the only person it really took a toll on was my boyfriend. which makes perfect sense. it didn't even take a toll on my family, from what it looks like way over here. even now, we hardly text or call or video call.. my family's fine without me. my brother's fine without me. i don't even live with him anymore; and i can't. if melbourne was my only life, would i be an only child or an orphan or both? maybe i was just the first sim created in my family line, and there'll be people after me but before the woohoo it'll just be me. 

when i leave melbourne, i won't be leaving a boyfriend behind this time. i'll be going back to him. so apart from that, my absence is gonna feel like nothing. again, i'm just a puny person roaming the earth. i'm not even an interesting one. other people dedicate their lives to traveling and actually make an impact on so many peoples' lives. hell, i'm afraid of traveling alone. 

this means nothing.


i don't have to stay and die like cattle
i could change my name and ride up to seattle
- heathers 

i'm also thinking of vlogging maybe, it's a huge maybe. i have always disliked my accent. before, i thought that english was meant to be in either an american, australian or a uk accent and that all other accents were incorrect. after growing up and being less of an ignorant fucknut, i realize i don't have an 'incorrect' accent, but it's still about 80% of my life living with that misconception so it'll take a long while to stop disliking my accent. 

also dysthymia. hmm 


6:13 PM Thursday, September 28
Pet Lovers & Nons

Not sure if i've had this discussed on a previous blog post before but here's more thought.


I don't like pets. I don't hate them, I just don't like them. I've never wanted to live with pets (especially furry ones) in my future home because I don't want to have fur on furniture and the floor and everything. I can also barely take care of myself so why should I put another species' life in danger? Meanwhile, Amit has Toby (his female cat) and he loves her like a daughter. He wants to live with her in his future home. I wasn't willing to compromise because I just don't want to live that lifestyle, and obviously this is something we can't agree to disagree on.

So now before all the pet lovers attempt to kill me, 

Trail of thought: 

I know how much Amit sees Toby as family and i'm trying my best to understand that but I still just see cats as pets. Every time I try to rant to someone about this, they turn out to be a pet lover and I get condemned to hell. They tell me that i'm lucky he hasn't already broken up with me for making him choose between me and his pet. Well then isn't making me choose between him and no pet the same thing? Why do I get shit just because I don't want to live with a pet as if it's the WRONG way of life? If someone can have their reasons for wanting to live with a pet, why aren't my reasons for not wanting to live with a pet valid? Since pet lovers see their pets as family (generalisation), why is it ok for someone to not want children and not be condemned for it, while it's a sin for me not to want a pet if my SO wants one? Why is he automatically the one in the right? 

I understand why he wants to keep Toby but it doesn't make me want to. 

And he did the sweetest thing and asked if his sister could keep Toby instead when we eventually move into our own home. And right now all you pet lovers hate me more, don't you? I should burn in hell. I should kill myself. My parents should've used a condom. By choosing me over Toby, to everyone it suddenly seems like he's made the biggest sacrifice in the world. But if I were to have compromised and said "ok i'll suck it up and live with a cat next time for you," people would've expected it from me. It somehow isn't a sacrifice if i'm the one making it. 

And for this reason I say pet lovers (not all) are crazy dedicated to putting pets as their priorities, while a pet lover is gonna say that they're normal and i'm just cold-hearted; that if I don't like pets it immediately means I hate them to the core. There's no in-between, i'm just wrong because I hate them because i'm wrong and they're right and i'm wrong and i'm a horrible person and I should die. 


You know what? Why don't you just kill me? Would that make you happy? I get so agitated every time this topic is brought up because even if i'm calm as hell trying to tell someone my point of view, they'll just run me over with a truck with their politically-correct opinion. I hate discussing this. It's never a fair discussion. WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST FUCK OFF?

 Poor Chandler having to give in to peer pressure....

P/S. If you consider yourself a neutral person in this issue, please comment and tell me if i'm being the unreasonable one and if I just sound like an ignorant prick. I haven't had a single other person who can relate to me but I just don't feel like i'm in the wrong because I have a different opinion from the majority. 


11:04 PM Sunday, July 23
The Day Amanda Attempts Tampons


6:02 PM Wednesday, July 12
LOOMA Disney Open Mic!!


5:13 PM

The heater stopped whirring and I ended an episode of OITNB for awhile and nobody is making a sound outside. It is 1.20AM, and I don't think I've felt this much silence in a long time. It's always just a little noisy outside with someone cooking, in the shower, drinking or blasting their music, even just pacing around the corridors. It feels so peaceful yet so lonely at the same time. I have friends; I'm not truly lonely. I do hang out with people sometimes. But when I think of who I should ask to hang out with today, nobody really pops into my head. I still prefer being alone and doing my own thing. I like living alone. I really love it. I can be in my own filth and nobody will tell me to clean my shit. I'm not a filthy person but I sweep the floor less regularly than i'd like to because i'm lazy. Everything I do is most convenient for me and I don't have to compromise on anything when I live alone. I love it like this. Peaceful and lonely. 


7:29 PM Friday, June 16
Changing My Mind

For the months of April and May, I think i've leaned more towards staying in Melbourne and attempting to get a PR. I didn't jot my feelings down so damn. But it was mainly because I felt like I was finally making good friends in Melbourne, mostly thanks to Wilson and Tiger for making my time here more passable instead of being home all the time. I also thought there'd be more career opportunities in Melbourne and it'd pay better. Housing and cars are also cheaper by a mile. 

I promised myself i'd buy tickets back to Singapore in July to avoid being too homesick in the later half of the year, and I still check the ticket prices every day (been checking since I got here in Feb) but it's way too expensive for me to afford right now. And since i've been having fun in Melbourne with friends, I thought maybe I wouldn't be homesick at all.

However, spending 24/7 with Amit and most of the time Ad in the past 3 weeks has made me extremely homesick, and wanting to go back to Singapore instead of staying here. Ad just graduated so she flew back with Amit yesterday. While they were here, they kept mentioning stuff they'd do once they were back in Singapore, and they Facetimed their mom so often, Rad too. It made me feel like a bad daughter not Facetiming my mom, but maybe my mom and I just don't really use Facetime to stay connected. I did Facetime her once with Amit's phone when we were watching the sunset in Canberra on Mount Ainslie, and she was at work but she looked so happy that I called and she ran to a private spot so she could chat with me. 

I really wish I could just abandon my monetary worries and buy a 2 week flight back in the first half of July so I can catch Marcus' enlistment and spend some time with mom and all my friends.. and Amit of course but I got to spend time with him recently already.  

I'm in Sydney now and i'm homesick - both Melbourne and Singapore. I can't wait to be back in my room with my guitar and Hayes (my heater) and the kitchen so I can cook my chapalang again. And I can't wait for school to start so that it can end. And I can graduate. And I can go home. Forever. 

Check out the travel vlogs with Amit and Ad: 
Week 1:
Week 2:
Week 3:

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1:38 AM Thursday, May 18

i cooked a soup thingy for breakfast that i ate at 1pm because i went to #shopthecity prior, then i slept for a few hours and woke up at 5. went with rubin to queue for a free macaron - or as they call it, cookie sandwich - and ate a bag of chips while on the way to meet him. then spent 1.5h in line to buy cheap clothes before going back home to eat part 2 of my soup for dinner at 10pm, then spent a couple hours scrolling through social media before showering then eating 3 durian mochis and i just opened another bag of chips.

there have been better days...


11:50 PM Monday, May 1

Good morning everybody today, on top of being called a nerd in secondary school because I didn't wanna have fringe down, a slut because I hung out with male friends, fat because I have a round face, a geek because I was in band, a poser because I had the same Sony Ericsson phone as someone else, a liar because I said I didn't look at your test score when I didn't, and thanks to my fluent sarcasm... I can now also be called ABUSIVE!!!!

Get your brand new nerdy, slutty, fat, geeky, lying, abusive poser AMANDA NOW!!!! 


11:20 PM Saturday, April 29
Melbourne Karaoke Festival

Natasha's recommendation

Umar sang this on Instagram live one night and I remembered the tune from Sophia Joe's cover on Soundcloud so I checked it out again~

I joined Melbourne Karaoke Festival with a couple of friends at the last minute because there was a prize of $1000 to be won for each category (solo, duo, band). Initially wanted to enter once with Gabby singing I Won't Say I'm In Love, and with Wilson singing Photograph, but they said an individual can only sign up once per category, so Wilson told me to sing with Gabby. Then Gabby and I wanted to sign up for solos just for the fun of it but we were told that the solo category was way too full. 

So the band category was first, and after one performance, they called out more numbers but no one else came. So that meant that group would've won $1000 immediately, which obviously made everyone rush to the sign up booth to just sing anything. We did that too, so Wilson, Gabby and I sang I'm Yours. And for never singing together before, I think we did pretty alright :) 

The duo with Gabby wasn't as good though; we did practice a couple of times at my place beforehand, but when the instrumental at the event played, it started straight at the chorus so we were caught off-guard (wtf). 

Any who, we did have fun and i'm glad I didn't freak out as bad as I thought I would on stage. Wilson also brought a friend, Rubin. So after we did the trio and the duo, it was about 630pm and the results were only gonna be announced at 945pm. Even though we were probably not gonna win, we wanted to stay for the results anyway but not for the whole event because we all hadn't had dinner. We went back to my place and played psycho snap while Wilson ate the lolly they gave at the festival. It was such a huge lolly he took about 3 hours to finish it. And we high-fived over diabetes running in our families. Also tried to think of ways to test what blood type Rubin was but couldn't because Gabby and I are O+es and Wilson was O- so whoever we sliced and bled together with Rubin would die. I think. 

After the results (which were delayed until 1030pm), we went to room8 for some pool. I, as usual, just watched. Gabby had gone home so it was just the three of us left. Wilson sucked so bad so he asked me to play some turns with him. And I sucked equally bad so Rubin probably won everything. The only ball I got in was the white ball. 

So that was finally a Friday night I spent with friends out of the house. Local. Friends. Or actually just friends in general. 


4:06 PM Sunday, April 16
Almost 22

Here's the Beauty and the Beast medley I mentioned in one of the previous posts: Click here

All I gotta do for school for my individual projects now is to record my original. This afternoon I just finished the exegesis for the song, even before recording it. I may have to edit that when I decide how to record the song, but I plan to do it a cappella because I'm not really good in recording other instruments and making them sound good (not that I make voices sound good yet). 

I also just did the kiasu thing and looked over the assessment timelines of the classes I have next semester to see if I'd get a chance to fly home or to Yunfann over the term break. The class titles sound daunting and heavy-assessment filled but when I actually read the stuff (i've done it before but couldn't remember), it doesn't seem that bad. Not many essays, not many presentations!! And I just have to tell myself those classes are ones I want to learn things from. Don't take the easy way out all the time like you did this semester, picking the classes with the easiest assessments. It was a good break though, being able to travel during the semester weekends. I don't regret anything. I maybe regret not buying my tickets home for June in February when I first looked at them because now they're ridiculously pricey and I don't think it's worth spending that amount of money to go home. I do wanna see Marcus enlist though, and possibly attend the 10 year ATS reunion that Rachel and I came up with. It'd be ironic if I was an initial planner but can't make it for the event ): 

I also realized that I usually like my orientation year best, but I only know it when it's over. I liked the dynamics in 2/1 better than 4/4, I liked T1B2 better than my year 2 and 3 classes, and I think I prefer the Swinnerton housemates from last year too. Maybe it's just because I haven't gotten to know them well enough yet, but I really miss having people on my level to talk to casually and I miss going to chill in Erika's room like close girl friends. I'm back to not having a close girl friend. I don't wanna float about again, it's so tiring. I've thought of moving upstairs cause it's generally the level that has the most fun, and that statement is as backed up as blondes having the most fun. But I see no practical sense in doing that because I have a bigger room right now than if I were to move upstairs, and i'd also have to climb another whole flight of stairs (it matters most when you're carrying luggages/groceries/laundry up man). I'll see how it goes. 

I've decided to attend both Acapollo and Ring of Choir camps. Cost me a bomb but this was something I told myself not to back out on. I'm still scared because I don't know what to expect. The packing list said to bring your own bedding.. am I actually going to be sleeping on grass or something?!?! And the weather's so cold I don't know how many layers I'd have to wear. Is there heating anywhere? I don't even have a sleeping bag so i'm just planning to wear many layers to sleep.. on the floor if I have to. 

Lastly, Melanie basically told everybody my birthday so it's no secret here anymore. Chris said he used to feel special cause he was one of the few to know, and now he's just like anyone else. Aw Chris. You're still special; your birthday is forever a public holiday here. I haven't drank on my birthday before and I don't wish to, but I think this year's gonna be hard to avoid cause it's gonna be the second day of one of the camps, and these people drink at like 5PM. 

What am I looking forward to? 
Apart from going home? Am I even looking forward to going home anymore? I'm conflicted on whether I should stay. 


5:50 AM Wednesday, March 22

When people ask about the exact time on the date when an assignment is due... why? Wouldn't you feel a whole lot better trying to finish it before the due date?? Especially now when it's about 2 weeks before it's due. 


8:53 PM Tuesday, March 14
finally working on something there

My latest project will be done soon! (How often do I get to say that?) I hope this is something I can be proud of and not be embarrassed to publish it on places. Still not a wonderful recording but i'm finally trying to properly mix a project.

In the meantime, I created a website for my assignment (that requires me to create an online portfolio). Check it out here:

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7:26 AM

I wanna chop off my hair. I wanna have long, healthy, black hair again. I can't have it by graduation, but I'm gonna try to get my hair as healthy as possible at least by then. If I cut my hair to chin length now, it'll take about 6 months to grow past the awkward shoulder stage; i'll have two random ugly colors split at the back inside of my scalp. If I do a pixie cut, my round face will make me look like a fat fuck. Even if I don't look like a fat fuck, i'll take longer to grow it out to the awkward shoulder stage. And I thought of having a new hairstyle, maybe curling some parts of it, but I don't want to look more ------ than I already do. I can't just Google 'short hairstyles', I have to Google 'short Asian hairstyles' and I like nothing I see in the search. I'm either gonna look ------ or like an office mom. BUT I HAVE TO CHOP MY HAIR OFF!! I'll go crazy trying to comb out my 7x bleached hair daily.. It's a painful process of watching my already dead hair try to die even more. 


7:20 AM
Updating Resolutions

Side Quests

1. Conversational Hindi
2. Collaborate with musicians in Melbourne
3. Improve backbends
4. Improve arm strength (continue 22 push-ups a day) 
5. Duolingo French daily
6. 45 minute set list
7. Travel to the rest of Australia (Brisbane/Canberra?/Adelaide?)


8:00 PM Saturday, March 4
New Hair Cover

I was rewatching old covers today and I realize it's a good representation of the shit I do to my hair but if I don't do covers then I won't see the changes in my hair so here's a cover.


11:14 AM
Good Old Good Old


11:03 PM Friday, February 17
I don't like cats

I don't get why people like cats. There are so many rules to taking care of it, and it takes advantage of you. It's like an entitled child that doesn't appreciate what you do for it and thinks its king of the house - not to mention freeloading. Today Amit told me never to stare into its eyes because it's like not respecting the cat or some shit. That sounds like a friggin gangster. And if I do, to blink slowly so it knows you're not looking for a fight. Wtf? Kua simi kua? If i'm not gonna entertain gangsters why should I entertain a damned cat? 


1:28 AM Friday, February 10
How Do I Live Without You

I miss Marcus and I wanna live with him. That's one of the things I missed most when I was in Melbourne. That's one of the reasons I flew back early. I'm flying back in two weeks and I miss my brother. 


11:54 AM Tuesday, February 7
January Reflection

My conception of myself 2016 (forgot to put it up here at the beginning of the year)

In the past month, certain people have made me feel like I can't sing and i'm not meant to be a singer; that I can't arrange and I have no creativity. I believed the latter part of it because it came from someone who's proved to give good feedback. But the former hurt more. And I started to shift my goals and think that maybe I shouldn't pursue music as a career because I will never achieve a professional standard of singing or arranging. I thought back to years ago when I made peace with myself about maybe being a good indie singer because my voice didn't sound good in stronger genres, so maybe i'd just sing indie songs then. But a cappella is hardly ever indie so i'd have to give up my main passion and start practicing my guitar skills again because I threw that aside when I decided I wanted to go into a cappella. So that's where i'm at with music now. I'm gonna continue working on guitar and maybe i'll still try to make arrangements but for mashups and medleys instead. 

I also never felt like I could be a professional musician because I have little to no stage presence and I don't know how to stop myself from being a stiff plank on stage. If I try to smile it looks creepy and unnatural. I feel like i've already improved a lot since I first got on stage and maybe Shaun can vouch for me but it's not enough improvement to make a good first impression on the new musicians or just people I meet. Umar told me it's more of a confidence thing, which would explain my failure to own the stage. 

A lot of people look up to older role models but I've been looking up to my juniors because they are so full of ambition and they're always working at their life goals, more than me I feel. Maybe because life hasn't crushed them yet. Maybe that's what I see on the outside, maybe they think that about me too. But I don't feel like I'm making any progress with my goals, or just not that much. I don't want to be a failure when I grow up and people start saying to me, "So what are you doing now? Last I remember you got your music degree right? Are you a big producer now? When's your album coming out?" Cause that's what I feel people's expectations of me are. I know I don't have to meet everyone else's expectations; I'll be just fine if I meet my own. Every year I make resolutions that are tiny steps to my goals but they seem so tiny (and sometimes I don't even achieve them) that I may not even reach my end point when i'm 100. Sometimes I feel like i'm waiting for opportunities to fall onto my lap but i've received many opportunities in life and from past experiences, I turn them down half the time because I don't feel like i'm good enough to pull it off. Fake it 'til you make it sounds like a good idea but then I tell myself i'm not even good at faking. 

My resolutions at the beginning of the year (to do with music) were to arrange songs and collaborate with musicians in Melbourne. I actually thought my goals shifted quite a bit so I wanted to pen my thoughts down and update my resolutions but they still sound like they fit so maybe I didn't write everything that was on my mind at the beginning of the year. 


P/S. Whatever happened to my monthly covers on YouTube!??! 


1:53 PM Monday, February 6


2:34 PM Friday, January 27
Bucket List Skills

1. French
2. Hindi
3. Yoga
4. Beatboxing

Not so bucket list:

1. Malay
2. Hokkien
3. Coding
4. Adobe Illustrator
5. Baking
6. Skiing
7. Navigating
8. Starting a fire in the woods
9. Anal



1:00 AM Thursday, January 12
Am I doing everything wrong?


1:06 AM Monday, January 2

Main quests: 
1. Yoga every damn day (and maybe ab ripper x twice a week?)
2. GPA 7.0 

I did yoga every damn day until November 24..... and my GPA limit is actually 4.0 but i'm nowhere near that lol.  
Side quests: 
1. Produce a song + music video
2. Flat stomach
3. Abs
4. Split
5. Handstand
6. Pull-up
I basically achieved nothing I wanted to. 


Main quests: 
1. Be happy (at least a 6 on the scale)
2. Get my degree
3. Enjoy Melbourne
Side quests: 
1. Arrange songs for Ring of Choir and Acappollo
2. Swim regularly
3. Handstand hang time (and maybe press-up)
4. Split
5. Conversational Hindi
6. Collaborate with musicians in Melbourne
7. Stop playing handphone games and spend that time working on my future plans instead (Daryl 2k16)
I've spent a good amount of 2016 being sad about things I can't change. I used to see myself as a really positive person and it's unfortunate that the year passed with so many negative emotions. I've questioned myself a lot about my choice of study path, my relationship, my other priorities.. and it's been a huge cluster fuck of overthinking + anxiety + undiagnosed depression. I no longer want to give in to feeling negative so being happy is my top priority of 2017. 

Also i'm too lazy to do the movie count and the blog post count anymore, I think it's time I abandoned those traditions. I won't be tagging my posts by month anymore.  

Don't know if I should continue weekly vlogs for Melbourne... I don't have premiere pro in my laptop anymore ): 

But I guess that's it for this post!

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1:07 AM Saturday, December 31

I flew back 18 days early because I was really done with life and realized that this was an opportunity to surprise some people that I wouldn't be able to do after I do it once so that's what I went around doing.

The space in my Macbook Air with nothing in it. By that I mean I took out all the stuff that I put there as storage....? The rest of this memory is stuff I can't find. ...

In the month of December, i've spent it trying to find my home because I am no longer able to live under the same roof as Marcus, which is the biggest bummer to me. I joined The A Cappella Society as a freelance singer and hopefully when I come back next year for good, I can take up an admin position or something more to get started on my career. I'm also working as a media IC for Luthermusic part-time. I spent a great deal of December meeting with friends that I haven't seen since I left for Melbourne, and it was a month well spent! I think the most hectic part of it was the last week of December when I went for paintball, a bbq and the trampoline park consecutively so I ended up with bruises, mosquito bites and abrasions all at once (not to mention muscle aches). I've also attended my first Indian wedding (Karan's) and my eldest cousin's wedding. 

I spent countdown with the gang (kinda), and watching Amit perform for the Clarke Quay countdown event! 

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7:49 PM Wednesday, November 16

i wanted to fan the flames of the deterioration of my mental health and deactivate my facebook tonight but i realized i have to post a push-up video so i can't.


push-ups over mental health

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11:09 AM Tuesday, November 15
fuckin protools

i wanna record my song about being stuck with nobody to help me but i'm stuck with troubleshooting and there's nobody to help me

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12:37 AM Sunday, November 13
Tales of Swinnerton Mates

Day 1 of new room 2 dude.
Haven't met him yet.
I was slightly avoiding contact cause I had a hangover and I didn't wanna interact.

Characteristic 1: night owl
It's 3.30am and his lights are on.

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9:21 PM Tuesday, November 1
RIP & Thank You

Thank you for visiting me before you decided to leave everybody. Thank you for letting me know how much I mean to you. Maybe it's better this way because you chose how you wanted to leave; it wasn't unexpected to you and that's the way you wanted to go. In a twisted way, dying of natural causes seems cruel. 

I have so many questions and I just wish i'd dream of you so even my subconscious could answer me. 

The last thing I have of you is the dill and turmeric condiments that were leftover from your visit. I'll miss your cooking, but thank you for cooking for me before you left.

You 'stole' my Tinder dude. 

I washed the black dirt marks you made on my wall because I was getting people to look at the room to rent it out. It was there for about 3 weeks.

Maybe you wanted to know about my mental health because you found something you could relate to, but I didn't want to open up about it. You looked so excited when you found my "Reasons To Stay Alive" book. 

You didn't even want to live to your 21st birthday. It's less than a month away.

You didn't get to sky dive.. 

Weren't you waiting for me to buy you a beer when I got back to Singapore? You didn't wait. 

I'm sorry I can't make it to your funeral. 

This has been the scariest Halloween. 

To: Kpop Hater T
1995 - 2016

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1:40 AM Tuesday, October 18
epitome of ugh

i had a half-burger for brunch because i forgot there was free pizza at choir so i had a slice of pizza at choir with a cup of solo and then for dinner i had the other half-burger and then i downed a bag of doritos while working on my exegesis 

dis gus ting

i also had two half-burgers for dinner and supper the previous day

d i s g u s t i n g

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7:23 PM Wednesday, September 28

"It's like walking into a sticky trap. Once you're the focus of all that attention, its addictive.... It's the emotional stuff that really sucks you in. He's just so 'knight in shining armor,' you know. Always there to support you until one day he's not. But by then you're hooked."

House M.D. S03E20

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7:16 PM

One of my greatest fears right now is having someone close to me die while i can't be there to see them one last time.

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11:28 PM Friday, September 16
A Cappella Realizations

I wanted to rush into everything. I wanted to get the internship deal before ausaca so I could use the volunteer hours as internship hours. I wanted to find people to form a small acappella group with but I didn't know how or where to find them. I thought I wouldn't be able to just because i'm not local and things won't go the way I plan for them to. But after today, I HAVE NEW HOPE. I don't have to rush into the internship. Why do I want to complete my hours if I plan/hope to stay in the company for a long while before I go back to SG? I'll get to network while i'm there too; probably will meet people and be able to form a little acappella. Otherwise, at least I got to know people and maybe if i'm ambitious enough, I can do something similar in Singapore. I thought Australia's acappella community was way bigger than the one in Singapore, but maybe I just wasn't looking hard enough for it in Singapore. Maybe I was just really lucky that the two groups I joined here decided to compete for AUSACA. NP Voices never joined a national competition or any competition for that matter. Maybe that's why we didn't get to meet other acappella people. We only ever did gigs or performances. If I can't form my own little acappella, at least if I get the internship, I'd see how the industry works. I can't wait!!! 

P/S. Day I met Johanna Vinson and had a conversation with her
PP/S. Day I found a new level of love for acappella
PPP/S. Day I heard Suade perform (with their new lived-in-SG-Malaysian member) 
PPPP/S. Day I met past Home Free member Matthew Tuey 
PPPPP/S. Day I tried out some funky hairstyle after deciding to DIY dye my hair in 30 minutes before going for a competition

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9:00 PM Monday, September 5
Job Trial Again

So I went for yet another job trial at a burger place. I was told to wear a black top so I wore my locfilm shirt (movie quotes at the back). And it so happens that the boss studied Film and Digital Media so he kept bringing up film in conversation and he was reading off the back of my shirt and guessing the movies the quotes came from. I want this job (this boss). 

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9:33 PM Wednesday, August 17
Trust Issues

I'm in a phase in my life where everyone is disappointing me. I can't trust anyone to do anything. I just have to do everything by myself. And for some things, one person will tell me that my attitude towards the certain thing is wrong, but when I ask someone else, they say there's nothing wrong with my attitude. Is it the different cultures or different people? All I'm doing is the same thing I did in poly which worked because everyone was on the same page, but here, i'm always on a different page as everyone else. That guy has been complaining about having a huge workload since the start of the semester but guess what dude? Everyone has their own workload; you picked those classes so quit complaining unless there's something we can do about it. It's like people are defending the guy who's in the wrong because I sound too harsh. Is it wrong to be straight forward if the guy has let me down over and over? If I have to sugar coat it every time, he's not going to take it seriously. That's why he hasn't learnt yet. That's why he's still being this irresponsible. IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME. I'VE LET IT GO S O M A N Y T I M E S ALREADY. HELP 

If I lose myself I lose it all

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11:42 PM Tuesday, August 16

My dignity isn't worth 300 bucks.

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"The past has nothing new to say."