ARCHIVES


11:03 PM Friday, February 17
COMMENT
I don't like cats


I don't get why people like cats. There are so many rules to taking care of it, and it takes advantage of you. It's like an entitled child that doesn't appreciate what you do for it and thinks its king of the house - not to mention freeloading. Today Amit told me never to stare into its eyes because it's like not respecting the cat or some shit. That sounds like a friggin gangster. And if I do, to blink slowly so it knows you're not looking for a fight. Wtf? Kua simi kua? If i'm not gonna entertain gangsters why should I entertain a damned cat? 

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1:28 AM Friday, February 10
COMMENT
How Do I Live Without You


I miss Marcus and I wanna live with him. That's one of the things I missed most when I was in Melbourne. That's one of the reasons I flew back early. I'm flying back in two weeks and I miss my brother. 

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11:54 AM Tuesday, February 7
COMMENT
January Reflection


My conception of myself 2016 (forgot to put it up here at the beginning of the year)

In the past month, certain people have made me feel like I can't sing and i'm not meant to be a singer; that I can't arrange and I have no creativity. I believed the latter part of it because it came from someone who's proved to give good feedback. But the former hurt more. And I started to shift my goals and think that maybe I shouldn't pursue music as a career because I will never achieve a professional standard of singing or arranging. I thought back to years ago when I made peace with myself about maybe being a good indie singer because my voice didn't sound good in stronger genres, so maybe i'd just sing indie songs then. But a cappella is hardly ever indie so i'd have to give up my main passion and start practicing my guitar skills again because I threw that aside when I decided I wanted to go into a cappella. So that's where i'm at with music now. I'm gonna continue working on guitar and maybe i'll still try to make arrangements but for mashups and medleys instead. 

I also never felt like I could be a professional musician because I have little to no stage presence and I don't know how to stop myself from being a stiff plank on stage. If I try to smile it looks creepy and unnatural. I feel like i've already improved a lot since I first got on stage and maybe Shaun can vouch for me but it's not enough improvement to make a good first impression on the new musicians or just people I meet. Umar told me it's more of a confidence thing, which would explain my failure to own the stage. 

A lot of people look up to older role models but I've been looking up to my juniors because they are so full of ambition and they're always working at their life goals, more than me I feel. Maybe because life hasn't crushed them yet. Maybe that's what I see on the outside, maybe they think that about me too. But I don't feel like I'm making any progress with my goals, or just not that much. I don't want to be a failure when I grow up and people start saying to me, "So what are you doing now? Last I remember you got your music degree right? Are you a big producer now? When's your album coming out?" Cause that's what I feel people's expectations of me are. I know I don't have to meet everyone else's expectations; I'll be just fine if I meet my own. Every year I make resolutions that are tiny steps to my goals but they seem so tiny (and sometimes I don't even achieve them) that I may not even reach my end point when i'm 100. Sometimes I feel like i'm waiting for opportunities to fall onto my lap but i've received many opportunities in life and from past experiences, I turn them down half the time because I don't feel like i'm good enough to pull it off. Fake it 'til you make it sounds like a good idea but then I tell myself i'm not even good at faking. 

My resolutions at the beginning of the year (to do with music) were to arrange songs and collaborate with musicians in Melbourne. I actually thought my goals shifted quite a bit so I wanted to pen my thoughts down and update my resolutions but they still sound like they fit so maybe I didn't write everything that was on my mind at the beginning of the year. 

Oops. 

P/S. Whatever happened to my monthly covers on YouTube!??! 

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1:53 PM Monday, February 6

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2:34 PM Friday, January 27
COMMENT
Bucket List Skills


1. French
2. Hindi
3. Yoga
4. Beatboxing

Not so bucket list:

1. Malay
2. Hokkien
3. Coding
4. Adobe Illustrator
5. Baking
6. Skiing
7. Navigating
8. Starting a fire in the woods
9. Anal

lol

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1:00 AM Thursday, January 12
COMMENT
Am I doing everything wrong?


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1:06 AM Monday, January 2
COMMENT
2017


2016
Main quests: 
1. Yoga every damn day (and maybe ab ripper x twice a week?)
2. GPA 7.0 

I did yoga every damn day until November 24..... and my GPA limit is actually 4.0 but i'm nowhere near that lol.  
Side quests: 
1. Produce a song + music video
2. Flat stomach
3. Abs
4. Split
5. Handstand
6. Pull-up
I basically achieved nothing I wanted to. 

2017


Main quests: 
1. Be happy (at least a 6 on the scale)
2. Get my degree
3. Enjoy Melbourne
Side quests: 
1. Arrange songs for Ring of Choir and Acappollo
2. Swim regularly
3. Handstand hang time (and maybe press-up)
4. Split
5. Conversational Hindi
6. Collaborate with musicians in Melbourne
7. Stop playing handphone games and spend that time working on my future plans instead (Daryl 2k16)
I've spent a good amount of 2016 being sad about things I can't change. I used to see myself as a really positive person and it's unfortunate that the year passed with so many negative emotions. I've questioned myself a lot about my choice of study path, my relationship, my other priorities.. and it's been a huge cluster fuck of overthinking + anxiety + undiagnosed depression. I no longer want to give in to feeling negative so being happy is my top priority of 2017. 

Also i'm too lazy to do the movie count and the blog post count anymore, I think it's time I abandoned those traditions. I won't be tagging my posts by month anymore.  

Don't know if I should continue weekly vlogs for Melbourne... I don't have premiere pro in my laptop anymore ): 


But I guess that's it for this post!

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1:07 AM Saturday, December 31
COMMENT
Sopresa


I flew back 18 days early because I was really done with life and realized that this was an opportunity to surprise some people that I wouldn't be able to do after I do it once so that's what I went around doing.

The space in my Macbook Air with nothing in it. By that I mean I took out all the stuff that I put there as storage....? The rest of this memory is stuff I can't find. ...

In the month of December, i've spent it trying to find my home because I am no longer able to live under the same roof as Marcus, which is the biggest bummer to me. I joined The A Cappella Society as a freelance singer and hopefully when I come back next year for good, I can take up an admin position or something more to get started on my career. I'm also working as a media IC for Luthermusic part-time. I spent a great deal of December meeting with friends that I haven't seen since I left for Melbourne, and it was a month well spent! I think the most hectic part of it was the last week of December when I went for paintball, a bbq and the trampoline park consecutively so I ended up with bruises, mosquito bites and abrasions all at once (not to mention muscle aches). I've also attended my first Indian wedding (Karan's) and my eldest cousin's wedding. 

I spent countdown with the gang (kinda), and watching Amit perform for the Clarke Quay countdown event! 

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7:49 PM Wednesday, November 16
COMMENT
priorities


i wanted to fan the flames of the deterioration of my mental health and deactivate my facebook tonight but i realized i have to post a push-up video so i can't.

priorities

push-ups over mental health

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11:09 AM Tuesday, November 15
COMMENT
fuckin protools


i wanna record my song about being stuck with nobody to help me but i'm stuck with troubleshooting and there's nobody to help me

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12:37 AM Sunday, November 13
COMMENT
Tales of Swinnerton Mates


Day 1 of new room 2 dude.
Haven't met him yet.
I was slightly avoiding contact cause I had a hangover and I didn't wanna interact.

Characteristic 1: night owl
It's 3.30am and his lights are on.

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9:21 PM Tuesday, November 1
COMMENT
RIP & Thank You



Thank you for visiting me before you decided to leave everybody. Thank you for letting me know how much I mean to you. Maybe it's better this way because you chose how you wanted to leave; it wasn't unexpected to you and that's the way you wanted to go. In a twisted way, dying of natural causes seems cruel. 

I have so many questions and I just wish i'd dream of you so even my subconscious could answer me. 

The last thing I have of you is the dill and turmeric condiments that were leftover from your visit. I'll miss your cooking, but thank you for cooking for me before you left.

You 'stole' my Tinder dude. 

I washed the black dirt marks you made on my wall because I was getting people to look at the room to rent it out. It was there for about 3 weeks.

Maybe you wanted to know about my mental health because you found something you could relate to, but I didn't want to open up about it. You looked so excited when you found my "Reasons To Stay Alive" book. 

You didn't even want to live to your 21st birthday. It's less than a month away.

You didn't get to sky dive.. 

Weren't you waiting for me to buy you a beer when I got back to Singapore? You didn't wait. 


I'm sorry I can't make it to your funeral. 

This has been the scariest Halloween. 

To: Kpop Hater T
1995 - 2016

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1:40 AM Tuesday, October 18
COMMENT
epitome of ugh


i had a half-burger for brunch because i forgot there was free pizza at choir so i had a slice of pizza at choir with a cup of solo and then for dinner i had the other half-burger and then i downed a bag of doritos while working on my exegesis 

dis gus ting

i also had two half-burgers for dinner and supper the previous day

d i s g u s t i n g

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7:23 PM Wednesday, September 28

"It's like walking into a sticky trap. Once you're the focus of all that attention, its addictive.... It's the emotional stuff that really sucks you in. He's just so 'knight in shining armor,' you know. Always there to support you until one day he's not. But by then you're hooked."

House M.D. S03E20

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7:16 PM
COMMENT
T-82


One of my greatest fears right now is having someone close to me die while i can't be there to see them one last time.

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11:28 PM Friday, September 16
COMMENT
A Cappella Realizations


I wanted to rush into everything. I wanted to get the internship deal before ausaca so I could use the volunteer hours as internship hours. I wanted to find people to form a small acappella group with but I didn't know how or where to find them. I thought I wouldn't be able to just because i'm not local and things won't go the way I plan for them to. But after today, I HAVE NEW HOPE. I don't have to rush into the internship. Why do I want to complete my hours if I plan/hope to stay in the company for a long while before I go back to SG? I'll get to network while i'm there too; probably will meet people and be able to form a little acappella. Otherwise, at least I got to know people and maybe if i'm ambitious enough, I can do something similar in Singapore. I thought Australia's acappella community was way bigger than the one in Singapore, but maybe I just wasn't looking hard enough for it in Singapore. Maybe I was just really lucky that the two groups I joined here decided to compete for AUSACA. NP Voices never joined a national competition or any competition for that matter. Maybe that's why we didn't get to meet other acappella people. We only ever did gigs or performances. If I can't form my own little acappella, at least if I get the internship, I'd see how the industry works. I can't wait!!! 

P/S. Day I met Johanna Vinson and had a conversation with her
PP/S. Day I found a new level of love for acappella
PPP/S. Day I heard Suade perform (with their new lived-in-SG-Malaysian member) 
PPPP/S. Day I met past Home Free member Matthew Tuey 
PPPPP/S. Day I tried out some funky hairstyle after deciding to DIY dye my hair in 30 minutes before going for a competition

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9:00 PM Monday, September 5
COMMENT
Job Trial Again


So I went for yet another job trial at a burger place. I was told to wear a black top so I wore my locfilm shirt (movie quotes at the back). And it so happens that the boss studied Film and Digital Media so he kept bringing up film in conversation and he was reading off the back of my shirt and guessing the movies the quotes came from. I want this job (this boss). 

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9:33 PM Wednesday, August 17
COMMENT
Trust Issues


I'm in a phase in my life where everyone is disappointing me. I can't trust anyone to do anything. I just have to do everything by myself. And for some things, one person will tell me that my attitude towards the certain thing is wrong, but when I ask someone else, they say there's nothing wrong with my attitude. Is it the different cultures or different people? All I'm doing is the same thing I did in poly which worked because everyone was on the same page, but here, i'm always on a different page as everyone else. That guy has been complaining about having a huge workload since the start of the semester but guess what dude? Everyone has their own workload; you picked those classes so quit complaining unless there's something we can do about it. It's like people are defending the guy who's in the wrong because I sound too harsh. Is it wrong to be straight forward if the guy has let me down over and over? If I have to sugar coat it every time, he's not going to take it seriously. That's why he hasn't learnt yet. That's why he's still being this irresponsible. IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME. I'VE LET IT GO S O M A N Y T I M E S ALREADY. HELP 


If I lose myself I lose it all

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11:42 PM Tuesday, August 16
COMMENT
FUCKING DIE


My dignity isn't worth 300 bucks.

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12:52 AM Saturday, August 6
COMMENT
Sorry I'm not trying to please everybody


Including you. I guess you're just not that important in my life. 
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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10:48 PM Friday, August 5
COMMENT
Update on Job Situation


I'm the dishwasher now. I'm the $11/h girl. 

Everyone in the kitchen is generally nice and friendly so my colleagues are good. But every shift I work it's 50% kill me now and 50% I can make the best out of a bad situation. Some days it goes to 100% kill me now. 

I'm still doing it because it's a job nonetheless. Until I find a better one, i'll be stuck with this one. 

Also I don't just wash dishes. I empty the garbage downstairs at the recycling bins, sweep and mop the floors, wash and dry the dish/dirt towels. 

This is just a phase of my life. It'll pass. IT WILL PASS. 

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6:05 PM Saturday, July 16
COMMENT
Job Trials


Remember that job trial I had for the backpackers where I spent the whole hour toasting bread and washing dishes? And I thought I was being used...

Well today I spent hours 0900-1600 at an Italian bar on a job trial; after the breakfast rush, since it was a slow day, the chef made me clean out a really neglected bottom shelf with spilt flour and rat poop and dust, the top of the huge pizza + everything else oven, the bottom of the oven where all the dirty oven racks and more dusty appliances were, and the entire fridge. All from scrubbing with the metal sponge, then washing with the normal sponge sponge and drying with a wet towel. I don't know if i'm pampered when I say this, but cleaning the first bottom shelf actually made me gag because the smell was so bad, the sponges were so dirty and the water I had to dip the sponges and my hands in was filthy by the second dip. The top of the oven was not just dirty/dusty, it had grime and sludge and I was just using the same sponge the whole time. You know how filthy it already is when you wash your most difficult pan/pot after dinner? The top of the oven looked like toxic waste. It made me feel like I was Wart in Sword in the Stone cleaning the kitchen alone before the magic happened. I was contemplating life while cleaning the bottom of the oven. 

Did I mention that the angmohs all looked real happy cause their jobs were like barista, waitress, chef... and there was this china girl at the back doing dishwashing. I had to pass her all the dirty oven racks because those actually looked like the easiest to clean already and Mario the Italian chef (ikr) told me that was her job instead. 

Also eavesdropped and learned that the other chef's name is Luigi. What are the oddS?

So I didn't check my phone and I didn't have any breaks. At the end of the most gruesome unpaid shift of my life, I was rewarded with spaghetti bolognese. The employees at the front with the coffee-making and cake-cutting were all nice and happy and their jobs looked like bliss. I wonder how much they get paid. I asked the china girl how much she was getting paid and she said $11/h. She did look older than me, so that's being severely underpaid. 

I didn't ask for details about the job like the shift hours or the pay because the person I was contacting didn't seem to answer any of my more general questions like what do I wear for the job trial or if I need to bring anything else. I'm just really desperate to get any chance I can at being employed. But I almost chopped my own finger off 3 times (cause I wanted to be efficient and i'm not good with kitchen skills), scalded myself twice trying to take bread out of the oven, got small cuts from scrubbing stuff (hopefully no infections) and my back and feet hurt i'm getting old....... My pants and shoes are filthy I walked out of the bar feeling like a rat. I went home feeling like the rats on my floor were cleaner than me. 

And now i'm wondering if I got exploited for the past 7 hours. I also heard that two other people did the job trial yesterday. The lady who replied my text also took 11 days to reply. What if this bar just calls people in for job trials every day to get free labor? And if they do call me to say I got the job, do I take it? I really feel like shit. 

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11:12 PM Sunday, July 3
COMMENT
Timetable / CCA / Job


So firstly school is obviously my priority. I can't confirm my timetable until 8 July cause that's when we can pick the timings. I actually planned it in advance (they show the options before the picking) without knowing the specific studios yet so I can have the time to go for choir and acappella and have 3 days of school. But the studio timings just came out and i'm stuck between sample packs and learning the zither. I'm always interested in learning new instruments but that's one weird ass instrument (imo) and not a really practical option. It's also on Friday which means i'll have 4 days of school and it's not a morning class so that's either half a day of work (if i can get a job) or no day of work. The sample packs would be a harder studio for me but I do want to learn the practical stuff. Unfortunately it clashes with choir, like I completely can't attend any part of it, and it's 3 hours instead of 2 for the zither. And choir was one of the things I enjoyed most last semester because school was kinda shit. However it will give me the same amount of days to work as I planned so now the main question is: 

Choir or Work? 

And what if I still continue applying and there's nobody that's willing to hire me? WHAT DO I DO?!?!?

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9:39 PM Tuesday, June 21
COMMENT
She Pretty Or Not?


Y'know what I hate? When I tell people my best friend's coming to visit me and the first response is "she pretty or not?" 

Well fuck you, if you thought you were worthy of her company, now that's a definite no.

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11:53 PM Friday, June 10

Dear Hayes, 

You are amazing. Don't know why your previous owner abandoned you on Franklin Street but i'm so glad I adopted you. You make me feel so warm all the time, and you know how to turn it a knob down when it's too hot. You take the initiative to start back up again when it's getting chilly. How would I survive winter without you? 

Love, Amanda

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3:04 AM Tuesday, June 7
COMMENT
A Semester In Melbourne


So i'm done with my first semester in Melbourne. Living conditions wise, i'm good. There's been a rat in my apartment but that just made me learnt how to be ok living with a rat. I've learnt to cook so many things (and chop so many things) and how much of a certain grocery to buy to use before it expires.. and where to go for the cheapest stuff like an auntie would. Here's a list of things I didn't know how to but now do: 
  1. cut mangoes (didn't know it hAD A SEED and i have to cut around)
  2. chop onions (now can dice like a beast - still using the wrong method to hold it)
  3. dice garlic (to chop off the ends and squish)
  4. prepare anything that involved onions and garlic 
  5. defrost meat before cooking
  6. separate meat chunks before freezing
Dishes i've attempted (and ratings of my attempts): 
  1. guacamole ☺☺☺☺ 
  2. ratatouille ☺☺☺ (not a fan of so much veg) 
  3. shephard's pie ☺☺☺☺☺ 
  4. potato chips ☺☺☺(oily af but tastes so good) 
  5. mango sago ☺☺☺ (2 tries, too much coconut milk for the first, milk went bad for the second) 
  6. burrito ☺☺☺☺ 
  7. roasted drumsticks ☺☺☺☺☺ 
  8. swedish meatball pasta ☺☺☺☺☺ 
  9. vegetarian curry ☺☺ (i don't like curry) 
  10. pork dumplings ☺☺☺
Dishes i've made over and over because of convenience:
  1. chicken drumstick soup 
  2. mixed spinach+carrot+mushrooms
  3. banana oats
  4. toasted ham+cheese+spinach sandwiches
  5. scrambled omelettes (cause i fail the proper omelette)
  6. salads (for friday classes) 
I've made friends from orientation, school, choir, a cappella, the city baths and my apartment, and they're mostly asian/international students. I have so much trouble making local friends cause the only time I get the chance to spend time with locals is in school, and we don't really talk much in class either. It's not just me though, and I've come to the conclusion that it's not a racist thing because when we do talk, they're pretty friendly; they just mostly live in the suburbs so it's not convenient to hang out together, and also the culture of making the new kid feel welcome isn't very prominent, unlike in Singapore where orientation is such a huge thing and we're literally forced to make friends (e.g.: round of introductions then double whacko straight away). Or maybe it is a racist thing and i'm just not feeling it. 

I'm doing alright in school, pretty average like i've always been. Sometimes I try pulling an asian and i'm left with no work to do for a long time, and I begin binge watching TV shows (I got through the entire series of Zoey 101, Mom and now i'm on to re-watching Malcolm in the Middle). The thing that annoys me is the group projects; the locals have a very different working style. They're super chill and they wait until the last minute to start on things. I like to work with people that chiong - like Jacqueline - because why not get things done earlier right? So one of my group projects was incomplete on the day of the deadline. I tried asking for an extension for my group - which I have not done before in my life UNTIL NOW - but it wasn't granted. It's taking me a long time but i'm slowly coming to terms with my incomplete group work. The problem was communication. There was hardly discussion in class and when I asked to meet outside of class, they weren't keen; and it took them really long to reply to the group chat too (which was on an app called slack). But all that's done for now, i'm done with the semester. 

The only thing I got a HD for was participation for my core, and I felt like I wasn't even actually participating. I'm really happy about the D for my cinema studies presentation because (for those of you who know me) I am horrible at presentations and this group work wasn't exactly going well until the last few days of rushed work. But I managed to wing it for a couple of points which were (according to the tutor) spot on as mentioned in the feedback :) The presentation was also the last thing I had for the semester and we got our mark on the spot, so that was a great end for me. 

I've been swimming every weekday since mid-April when I joined city baths, and I've been seeing a bunch of regulars there as well, this middle-aged guy who always looks like a lobster and hogs the strongest jet in the jacuzzi (somehow always there at the same time as me); this old hong-kong guy who's like an olden asian dude who lives on the top of a mountain in isolation for 40 years and has a lot of wisdom (not really) to impart on the younger generation; this 20+ french guy (not really a regular) who talked to me in the jacuzzi who was only there for his passes in april; Farouk lol; indian lady with her husband who swims in the leisure lane all the time; smiley old asian man who also swims in the leisure lane... I like being a regular somewhere. The old hong-kong guy is the only other one who actually talks to me, and he recognizes me by my swimsuit.

So it's just about time for holidays (everyone else is still in the middle of exams) and I have about a month and a half of it to spend. Ysabel and Yunfann will be in Melbourne for a week or so each, and I have plans to go skiing at Mount Buller next week, and Sydney in July (meeting reddit Nicholas)! Apart from that, I plan to either spend the rest of my time working - or continue looking for a job first (if the cafe attendant person doesn't get back to me) - and keeping up my fitness, maybe improve on my basic strokes and learn new ones. 

Other stuff to do during the hols:
  1. Dye hair DIY
  2. Attempt new dishes
  3. Yoga photoshoot with krussica
  4. Winter Night Market 
  5. Read the library books I borrowed for my essay
  6. Covers
  7. Learn Ableton 
  8. Think of a 21st birthday present for Yunfann cause hers to me was brilliant 
  9. LEARN LITTLE MERMAID 2 SONGS WITH NATASHA
  10. Leisure skate at the park / learn slalom

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3:44 AM Tuesday, May 31
COMMENT
to w, h and c


hey guys i just wanted to know if it’s been hard working with me this semester cause i really don’t know what you all are thinking half the time. i'm not yet used to the education system here so i apologize if i've been doing anything wrong. did you find that my working style is really different from yours and going against being productive? if yes, please tell me where i’m going wrong and what i can do to be a better group mate to others next time. 

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9:18 PM Saturday, May 21
COMMENT
RMIT Connect


Dickson, Erika, Xander and I were studying at RMIT connect at 11PM (it's 24/7) and then they suddenly asked to check our IDs. I didn't bring my wallet and Xander doesn't study here. I asked if I could log in to myRMIT as proof, and then I did, but the lady said it wasn't enough proof. She had to see my CoE before she let me stay here. Damn, security's tight.

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11:53 PM Tuesday, May 3
COMMENT
YEs nO



  1. My disco/edm reading is about how people keep coming up with new names for subgenres because the old ones became mainstream and they need to be hipsters.
  2. I love it when my reading has 4.5 pages of end notes and bibliography : )
  3. Should I be trying to learn more stuff (take classes I have no background and am interested in) or should I try to score well (take the cinema classes that are almost the same as FSV except for the different screenings)? I want to learn but I know halfway through the semester (like now) i'll just want to get it over and done with and I won't be learning like I would if I did it on my own. Asian Cinema and Popular Cinema are the equiv to Adrian's Asian Cinema and the Hollywood Module....... I feel so well taught. 
  4. Another issue is buying a textbook for a cinema module, which wouldn't seem worth it. I was lucky enough my first cinema module used the only film text book I have. 


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12:42 AM Tuesday, April 12
COMMENT
Water


I am so dehydrated that I went to the sauna and I didn't sweat at all. Casper gasped at me in horror.

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1:33 PM Monday, April 11
COMMENT
Peeves


When people put 'tbh' behind a sentence that's just a passing remark. 

E.g. I would totally go tbh. 
E.g. That looks really nice tbh. 
E.g. I don't think she'll like it tbh. 

What are you being honest about? Were you planning on lying before you decided on this statement?!?!? 

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1:06 PM Saturday, April 9
COMMENT
Zoey 101


Just saw the Zoey 101 episode where Zoey was in the wrestling team and all the guys forfeited so she got into the finals where the coach substituted her so his best wrestler could have a go. And then when Zoey got beaten, Logan went to the parking lot and told Javers off because he shouldn't be so rough on a girl. 

I wonder how many butthurt reactions there were in 2007, and how many there'd be now if it was made this year. 

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"The past has nothing new to say."